A new study reveals that Americans have the DNA of Neanderthals.
In a stunning new examination of the brain makeup of Americans, scientists have discovered that the DNA of generations of immigrants who settled in America in the 18th and 19th centuries, as well as their descendants, have taken on the characteristics and makeup of Neanderthal Man.
In research involving millions of test subjects, doctors were unable to explain how the DNA evolved more virulently in white males, seeming to alter their brain functions as they aged.
"It is as if the the DNA has become a virus," senior scientist Skinner Jung said when the results of the study were presented at Georgetown University. "Why the brains of white men are most affected is still a mystery."
Among other evolving traits of those stricken with what is now called the DNA virus is a restructuring of the skull and brain. "When the men acquire this alteration of their genes, they sometimes pass the viral DNA on to their spouses. This explains why unmarried women and lesbians have not become Neanderthals," Jung told an enthusiastic gathering at the presentation.
Sadly, no cure or way to prevent the Neanderthal Strain is possible at this time.
One particular white male who participated in the study brought some levity to the presentation by asking how Obama was still President when he and so many others like him voted Republican in the 2014 election.
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